A few years back I was counseling with a couple who were planning to get married. When we go through these counseling times in preparation for marriage we cover a good deal of topics from communication to arguing, finances to sexual intimacy. Depending on the couple we spend more or less time on particular topics as to the strengths and weaknesses of their relationship. This certain couple told me their philosophy on communication. They said they have made an agreement together and have adopted boundaries when they discuss challenging topics together. The main boundary was that only one of them would talk at a time. They would not interrupt their spouse. The reason they gave was they found that when both of them talked at the same time the volume would rise dramatically, the intensity of the situation would elevate, and they would be thinking of what they were going to say rather than actually listening to their sweetheart.

Well I, like you, had two responses to this profound strategy for communication. First was an open mouth, awe that they had disciplined themselves and learned this skill at such an early time in their marriage. The second was, “can one of you please run for President of the United States?” The wisdom that this couple realized has served them well in the first years of their marriage. And the discipline that they exercised early on set their marriage on a course for deep marital communication and intimacy. These two things really do go hand in hand you know?

The pervasive default in our society is to make sure your opinion is heard. There is very little concern with listening to another person’s perspective other than to formulate a rebuttal. Never has so much talking, writing, debating taken place with so little communication going on. If we do not slow down and take the time to understand why a person has a particular viewpoint, two things result. One is that we don’t fully appreciate their line of thinking and sacrifice the opportunity to creatively address the issues at play. Second we miss out on hearing possible areas of agreement that show we are not as polarized as we had initially thought. Thoughtfully and carefully listening to someone speak helps us pick up on things that we need clarification on. We may have heard one thing when the intent of the statement was totally different. Have you ever gotten into a passionate dispute with a person only to realize during the discussion that you actually were saying close to the same thing? Many times these conversations end in relief and even humor as you both realize the angst you had been paralyzed with was all for naught.

Listening is the number one most important part of communication. Let me say that again in case you were not listening to me! Listening is THE #1 most important element of communication. Our culture does not do a very good job of listening any more. We are more concerned with having our voice heard and winning the disagreement. This is not just profitable in our marriage relationships; this is critical for each relationship in our lives. I have often been humbled because I neglected to listen to my children’s point of view because I was “the parent for crying out loud!” When I actually stopped talking I could begin to understand why they were feeling the way they were. I was then enlightened to share a more precise explanation as to the idea I was striving to present.

There are strong Biblical principles all throughout the Bible regarding how to speak to one another. I won’t even bring up James 1:19-20. The Book of Proverbs has a lot to say about communication. One pertinent verse is Proverbs 17:27-28. “Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding. Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.” Makes me consider becoming a professional mime! I could use a bit more consideration as intelligent.

The Apostle Paul realized the value and the limit of speech as he told the Corinthian Church in I Corinthians 2:1-5. “And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified. And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.” We understand the Gospel through the proclamation of the Word of God. No question. But full communication is realized with much more than the expression of words. Paul realized he must listen and live with his audience to fully be able to communicate with them.

When faced with the reality of listening and responding appropriately let us heed the example Pilate infamously presented to us. He was questioning Jesus at His faux trial in John 18. In verse 37 he says, “’So you are a king?’ Jesus answered, ‘You say that I am a king. For this purpose I was born and for this purpose I have come into the world – to bear witness to the truth. Everyone who is of the truth listens to my voice.’ Pilate said to Him, ‘What is truth?’” If we genuinely listen to the voice of Jesus we will hear truth and be persuaded toward unity. If we reject truth, we will continue to pursue the ideas that encourage our self-focused mindset. This rarely results in unity or resolution. The most important person to make sure you are listening to is Jesus Christ. And remember, he gave His disciples and adversaries an opportunity to speak rather than just cut them off. So do yourself and everyone around you a favor. Slow down, be quiet, and listen as you attempt to communicate with others.